Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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