My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
