I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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