Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
