I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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