dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
