He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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