My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
