I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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