He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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