Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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