end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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