I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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