You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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