Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
