if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
