Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
