if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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