If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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