glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
