That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
