I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
