Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
