dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I will be naked everywhere
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
