who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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