nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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