Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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