Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
