I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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