It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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