Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
