you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
