OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
