Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
