2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
