My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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