Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
