Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Randomize
