According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....