My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
