They should really pass out barf bags in church
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
