you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
