Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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