ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
