I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
