I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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