At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
