Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
