I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
