just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
