He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
