On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
