We named our party play list daddy issues
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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