i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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