Your face is a jimmy john
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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