Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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