Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
