I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
